Happy Birthday to...

First piece of cake today goes to Lucan.  He was a Roman poet.  Apparently he must have written something interesting, but poetry sucks, so I don't know.  (Actually, his grandpa was Seneca the Elder, so he was taught by Uncle Seneca the Younger, who he probably just called "Younger".  And he was a friend of Nero, until he found out the hard way what emperors think of poets who write poems insulting them.  There's a lesson in there, I think)... Instead of cake, give a couple slabs of bread and some meat to John Mantagu today.  After all, he was the Earl of Sandwich, and is the guy who supposedly invented them.  Along with his cook.  Interestingly, my sister saw a thing on the news recently that the current earl went into business with a descendant of the cook.  They opened a sandwich shop, of course.  Then again, she saw it on MSNBC, so they probably screwed up the whole story.  Oh, and he was apparently the one who made the famous comment about wondering whether the listener would die of the pox or the halter (hanging); and then getting slammed by the retort "That will depend upon whether I embrace your mistress or your principles".  But I digress...  For any Texans in the audience, give a big ol' Lone Star shoutout to Stephen Austin.  And if you decide to sing him happy birthday, remember that if you're gonna play in Texas, ya gotta have a fiddle in the band... Rather than cake, give some hardtack and bacon to Confederate General Jubal Early.  He's best known today for having been on the wrong end of Sheridan's Ride...  Happy birthday also to Grand Duchess Olga Nikolaevna, daughter of the Tsar.  The last tsar.  If it helps, she was the older sister of Anastasia, so you can guess how things ended for her... Football fans will want to celebrate the birthday of Bronko Nagurski, starting defensive tackle for Sports Illustrated's "NCAA Football All-Century Team", and member of the initial class of the Pro Football Hall of Fame.  He's also the namesake of the Defensive Player of the Year award in College Football.... Last year, we lost one of the all-time great baseball players, Mr. Bob Feller.  Toast him today on his birthday... And remember Charles Bronson, but whatever you do, don't get drunk and try to crash his birthday party.  He'll kick your ass!...

Another birthday boy is Ken Berry.  You know him mostly as Captain Parmenter from F Troop.  Did you know he got into acting on the advice of his real-life army sergeant?  Guess who that was- here's a hint: Captain Parmenter will be permanently outranked by his old friend Commander Spock.  Yup, Sergeant Nimoy came through then too... I'd suggest toasting Michael Dukakis on his birthday, but he'll probably look stupid in his little birthday hat (or helmet) and frankly, you'd be likely to fall asleep while he parties anyhow.  So forget him, like most Americans already had by 1989... Lulu is also celebrating today, but I bet she won't be amused if you sing "To Sir, with love".  Probably tired of that one by now.  On the other hand, other than being married (briefly) to one of the Brothers Gibb, that's pretty much all she's known for today...

Boxer Larry Holmes is also celebrating today.  He'd make a lot of people happy if he punched his fellow celebrant Anna Wintour, or so I'm told.  But he probably won't... Fat, arrogant, stupid hypocrite Roseanne Barr is probably eating 40 or 50 cakes today to celebrate the fact that somebody noticed it's her birthday, and didn't suggest that she be either guillotined or robbed of all her money... Apollo's brother Helios Creed has a birthday today too, but I have no idea who he is, and honestly he only made the list because of the lame joke.  But we take our pleasures wherever, right?... Larry Herndon has a birthday today.  He used to play for the Tigers, so he's cool.  Dennis Miller isn't, no matter how many long-winded rants he does about people and things nobody in his audience can identify (seriously, I've always wondered how much he even knows about these topics, or if he just knows enough to make one lame-ass comment)...  Adam Ant also has a big day today.  Ask nicely, and maybe he'll strip for you.  Or not.  He is, after all, a goody-two shoes...  Football fans will want to celebrate Phil Simms birthday, while wondering whatever happened to son Chris...  And look, it turns out Helios Creed actually is relevant- today is also the birthday of Dolph Lundgren, who killed Apollo Creed in Rocky IV.  I love it when a plan comes together!  Especially when it does so just in time for the end of the post!